Texans Headlines

Tracking down news on the Texans floating around the interwebs so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Texans’ Kareem Jackson hosting event to benefit cancer victims
Other beneficiaries include: all NFL wide receivers lined up opposite Kareem Jackson.

What’s the Texans’ Biggest Worry Two Weeks Into The Season?
I’m on page 4,396 and still scrolling. Not sure when/if this one ends…

No separation in the AFC South
Nope. We all suck. Hooray!

Texans’ QB Savage on agent’s comments: ‘He defended his client’
I’m calling bullshit on this one. A criminal defense attorney ‘defends his client.’ The sports agent for a 4th-year quarterback (who still hasn’t thrown a single regular season touchdown pass after getting benched at halftime for shitting the bed against a Jacksonville defense that surrendered 37 points at home the following week) that bitches to a professional sports franchise that his criminally-underperforming client is somehow getting the shaft is not ‘defending his client.’ He’s exposing himself as an unequivocal douchebag.

Sparkling DeShaun Watson swings it for Texans
Um…..swings what, exactly? The lack of clarity here, coupled with the writer’s reference to Watson as “sparkling” makes me think that this is a link I shouldn’t be clicking on the family computer.

25 observations: Texans vs. Bengals
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.
The Texans offensive line is a shit show.

Houston Texans Continue to be Hamstrung by Bill O’Brien, Abysmal O-Line Play
Turns out this was the alternate title for the article, as the suits at Bleacher Report rejected the original title, “What every fucking sane human being outside the Houston Texans’ front office knows to be true.”

DeShaun Watson ready for New England atmosphere, Bill O’Brien says
O’Brien isn’t talking about the atmosphere inside the stadium, where alcohol-fueled New Englanders loudly profess their love for the incomparable “Tawmeh!” while pretending they know what the hell that South Park-inspired, fire-breathing bridge thing painted at midfield is supposed to be. He’s talking about the actual envelope of gases surrounding the greater New England area, from which Watson’s remains will have to be retrieved after the Texans’ offensive line allows him to be mercilessly obliterated by the Patriots’ defense.

Texans sign an offensive tackle and wide receiver
Toro Times had this one filed in the site’s “Shit that should have happened during the offseason when there were decent players available” folder.

Texans lineman Jah Reid: ‘I like to get after it’
How could you not read an article with a title like that? But just in case you (like I) made the mistake of allowing even the slightest bit of optimism about Mr. Reed’s acquisition to creep in…

“When Reid was drafted in the third round by the Baltimore Ravens, he got into plenty of epic practice brawls.

When Reid was playing for the Kansas City Chiefs, he ripped off Texans defensive end J.J. Watt’s helmet with the three-time NFL Defensive Player of the Year still managing to sack quarterback Alex Smith.”

Let no one ever wonder why Texans fans have little-to-no faith in our front office. If the Houston Chronicle’s Aaron Wilson has it right – and I have no reason to believe he’s just making this shit up to further infuriate the fan base – our GM is basically saying, “Our line is a train wreck, so let’s go get a dude that likes to fight his teammates on the practice field and can’t keep a defensive lineman from sacking the quarterback even if he rips said lineman’s helmet off.”

Sweet baby Jesus.

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