Why It’s Okay to Hate the Patriots

No, it’s not because they beat the Texans. Again.

And for the record, no, they didn’t cheat. Nor do they have the refs in their pockets. Nor does the NFL want them to win.

They beat us. Straight up. (That would read so much cooler if there was a Teddy KGB font.)

All of that said, it’s still okay if you want to hate the Patriots organization. Why? Because, despite being one of the most successful franchises in all of sports over the past 15 years – with an owner worth several billion dollars who pays to have Super Bowl rings turned into cufflinks and presented as gifts to the President of the Unites States – those bitches charged their fans up to $5 a pop for tap water at the game this past Sunday.

Bleacher Report’s Rob Goldberg:

“The New England Patriots charged fans $4.50 to $5 for tap water after running out of bottled water during Sunday’s game against the Houston Texans, according to ESPN.com.”

Look, we take a lot of things for granted in this country and clean water is one of them. Just ask the folks in Flint, Michigan. It’s a precious commodity that a significant portion of the world doesn’t have the good fortune to enjoy.

But for fuck’s sake, New England.

“We apologize. That should not have happened,” Patriots spokesperson Stacey James said on Monday.

In addition to her “spokesperson” role, Stacey James also proudly serves as New England’s official Purveyor of the Painfully Obvious.

“It is the first time that I have ever heard that complaint here.”

One can only hope that Ms. James meant to say that it’s never happened before. Stating that she’s never “heard that complaint” makes it sound like there’s a possibility that they’ve pulled this shit in the past, but she didn’t hear about it because she was hiding in the corner, doing her best impression of the Hear No Evil monkey.

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“We are looking into the matter to ensure that it doesn’t happen again.”

No “looking into the matter” is required, Ms. James. Order. More. Fucking. Water. Problem solved.

“As Sophia Eppolito of the Boston Globe reported, the team had four times the inventory of water bottles for an average game due to expected high temperatures.”

So you’re telling me that the team quadrupled their order for water bottles in anticipation of the heat and still ran out? Holy hell! It must have been positively scorching up there!

“Per Pro Football Reference, it was 84 degrees at Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, Mass. at game time.”

Wait, 84 degrees? Four times the regular inventory of bottled water wasn’t sufficient to help Patriots’ fans survive a blistering 84-degree afternoon?

That’s it. From this moment forward, any New Englander who ridicules someone living south of the Mason-Dixon for overreacting to cold weather is getting smashed in the genitals with a blunt instrument.

Seriously? 84 degrees? You know what we call it down here in Houston when the temperature outside hits 84 degrees?

Winter.

“Stadium workers struggled to get the bottles to each concession stand in a reasonable amount of time.”

The mental image of Gillette Stadium workers sprinting from one concession stand to the next with wheelbarrows full of bottled water, dodging hordes of Patriots’ fans who are wandering the concourse like dangerously parched zombies, makes me positively giggly.

“While an announced attendance of 65,878 got to see a dramatic 36-33 win over the Texans, this situation clearly wasn’t ideal.”

Look out, Stacey James. Rob Goldberg is coming for your job.

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