Breaking Down Bill O’Zimmerman’s Epic “Cayenne” Rant

In case you didn’t have enough to smile about after the Texans demolished the Tennessee Titans this past Sunday, allow us to offer the Twitter feed of Mr. “Bill O’Zimmermann” for your consideration.

This is a man who quotes the inimitable Tyrion Lannister in his bio, repeatedly expresses anger over Twitter’s new 280-character limit, and interrupts his in-game Tweets with a photo of his food under the hashtag #SexyBeans.

In other words, he’s everything we here at Deep Steel Blues look for in a Twitter follow.

Of course, we may never have discovered this hidden gem of an account if not for the epic Twitter rant that Mr. O’Zimmermann unleashed on Irish NFL Analyst Cian Fahey.

[Quick aside: if you’re wondering why we found it necessary to include Mr. Fahey’s Irish heritage in his title…just wait.]

You see, Mr. Fahey — owner of and writer for the website Pre-Snap Reads — is not particularly fond of Deshaun Watson’s football skills. He cherry picked a series of less-than-impressive plays from Watson’s 2016 starts against Auburn and Louisville before boldly predicting that Houston’s acquisition of Watson would “go like it has with all the other QBs this regime has acquired.”

It was only a matter of time before Texans’ fans snapped back, and Sunday’s 57-point offensive performance lit the fuse to the powder keg that was O’Zimmermann’s response to Fahey’s dismissal of Watson’s potential:

“Look, I don’t know how to say your name, but I’ma go with “cayenne” because your takes are hot as fuck.”

The Irish actually pronounce it “KEE-UHN”, but if you’re going to butcher a man’s name, providing a legitimate (and hilarious) reason for doing so — such as “your takes are hot as fuck” — earns you a free pass.

“’Bae-shaun’ Watson…”

No, that’s not a misprint. He actually called him “Bae-shaun” Watson.

Note to Mr. O’Zimmermann: trademark that shit right now, put it on a t-shirt, and get it up for sale as soon as humanly possible. You’ll thank us later.

“…can throw the damn ball. I mean, how are you gonna judge? They don’t throw shit over’ere in your country. Okay? Y’all kick balls around.”

We’ve affectionately dubbed this “Not-Entirely-Correct-But-Nonetheless-Hilarious Assertion #1”: Gaelic football and rugby are two of the most popular sports in Ireland, but since soccer remains the most popular, we’re issuing another free pass. It’s our blog. We can do that.

“The only thing y’all throw is the toothpaste away that we drop off in care packages every other year…”

As we have been unable to confirm delivery of any such care packages or verify the frequency with which said packages may or may not have been delivered, this qualifies as “Not-Entirely-Correct-But-Nonetheless-Hilarious Assertion #2.”

But considering the typical Irish grill looks strikingly similar to the picture below…free pass.

Teeth

“…since we beat y’all’s ass in World War II. You know?”

Yep. You guessed it: “Not-Entirely-Correct-But-Nonetheless-Hilarious Assertion #3.” But not nearly as absurd as superimposing Watson’s head onto a propaganda picture of ruthless World War II-era dictator Josef Stalin.

Free pass.

“So don’t come over here tellin’ me what ‘Bae-shaun’ Watson…”

I’ll take an XL please. Kids’ large for my son if you go with smaller sizes as well.

“…The Head Coach Whisperer…”

In the midst of an otherwise comedic take comes this nugget. Anyone else notice how Bill O’Brien is suddenly being praised for his play-calling abilities? Sure, O’Brien has never had a quarterback with Watson’s skill set at his disposal here in Houston. But remember, this is the coach who pretty much ran the same five plays for three years straight.

“…okay, he’s the head coach guru, bah gawd.”

bahgawd

“You don’t tell me he can’t throw a damn ball. He’s savin’ the whole damn CITY! ON HIS BACK!”

The way this is worded, I picture Deshaun Watson lying on his back while being fed grapes by Mia Khalifa, simply willing the city of Houston to succeed culturally, economically, and athletically.

Just me? Fine….

“Maybe he’ll give you his next paycheck and you can go somewhere and find somethin’ to stick up your ass.”

Okay, we’ve been fairly liberal with the free passes, but this doesn’t even really make sense.

“Tha’on’t even really make sense.”

Shit. Sorry for interrupting.

“But he’d do it, because he’s a nice guy.”

And you, good sir, are a Twitter legend.

One thought on “Breaking Down Bill O’Zimmerman’s Epic “Cayenne” Rant

  1. “since we beat y’all’s ass in World War II. You know?” Preach it, Brother Bluto. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? NO! And it’s not over now.

    Like

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