Well, that was depressing…. but predictable. Let’s see how we did:
Our prediction: Chiefs 35, Texans 17.
RESULT: Chiefs 42, Texans 34.
Verdict: Garbage time started early in this one, leading to some weird, inflated, unreliable statistics (see below), but since the Texans doubled their predicted point total and cut the predicted margin of victory in half, we have to call it a NO.
(a)It’s not going to go well, especially if (b)we’ll have to shoot it out — and we will, because we’ve (c)never been able to cover Travis Kelce (d)or any of KC’s running backs, and, thanks to injuries, O’Brien’s stubbornness, and Rick Smith’s gravity-bending incompetence, Kareem Jackson is still trying to cover NFL receivers. (e)They’ll hang at least 21 on us before halftime.
RESULT: Whether you want to call that five little predictions (a-e) or one big one, the verdict is YES. We had to shoot it out, Kelce caught 8 balls for 98 yards (seemingly all of them on 3rd-and-long), Charcandrick West caught two TDs, and they hung 23 on us by halftime. In short, it didn’t go well.
Our prediction: “Bill O’Brien will continue to run his five other plays in the same order regardless of the game situation, because he’s BOB and that’s what BOB does.”
RESULT: BOB ran the same five plays all right, but he swapped the 2nd-and-Draw with some junky college sweep option thing. It worked, sort of, and thank goodness, because he seemingly lost the cocktail napkin that had the other play on it. Call it a DRAW.
Our prediction: “Deshaun Watson’s play will be mediocre-to-terrible, at which point everyone currently calling him the savior of the franchise and superimposing his head over old propaganda photographs of murderous dictators will start yelling that they knew it all along, this guy sucks, Ima burn his jersey!”
RESULT: Thanks to the magic of garbage time, the Watson Kool-Aid will be a brisk seller at Houston area grocery stores for another week. Watson’s line: 16-of-31 for 261 yards, 5 TD, 0 INT. I was an English major in college, but I remember enough math to know that 16 divided by 31 is .516129 — a whopping 51.6% completion rate. Those aren’t professional football numbers. Only scattershot college scramblers throw 5 TDs while barely completing half their passes — the Trevor Knights* of the world, who transfer to three or four colleges (and usually end their careers putting up big numbers in Division II). Watson threw two or three sure picks in the first half alone, and two or three more that would’ve been picked had they been closer to their intended targets. But since Fox Mulder is the patron saint of Texans fans, Watson’s jerseys will remain un-burned for another week. We’ll have to call this a NO.
Our prediction: “JC will tell you he told you so, but won’t get any love for it.”
RESULT: Over to you, JC.
Our prediction: “Will Fuller will drop a sure touchdown, because Will Fuller.”
RESULT: I have no idea; I shut the damn thing off and went to bed early in the 3rd quarter.
Bad times on the Bayou, y’all. Next up: The Browns.
[Season prediction record: 1-2-1].
*According to Wikipedia, Trevor Knight attended Ronald Reagan High in San Antonio. “While at Ronald Reagan High School,” Wiki informs us, “he played for the football team.” Ladies and gentlemen, your American educational system!!