Most Perplexing Texans-Related Statement of the Week

Pretty much the only reason we write this blog is: Most other Texans coverage, including so-called professionals’ work, is terrible.  They say things that don’t make sense about football.  They say stuff that doesn’t make sense, period.  Some routinely produce “sentences” that are like Zen koans in reverse — should you ever figure out what they’re trying to say, you’ll instantly achieve a lower consciousness.  Here is an example.  What is the sound of one hand clapping?  These guys’ sixth grade English teachers giving it up for their writing skills.

In the spirit of advancing basic literacy, we hereby present a new feature: “Most Perplexing Texans-Related Statement of the Week.”

The Runners Up:

Deshaun Watson is a one-man force, able to over come a questionable offensive line to wiggle the team down the field.  —bigfatdrunk, Battle Red Blog.

Ummmm…..wiggle?  The team. Wiggle the team.   That sounds like a bad parody of Jive from an ’80s movie.

The Texans are 3-3 heading into the bye, but we are a night and days difference of a team at the season opening snap.  –bigfatdrunk, Battle Red Blog.

“A night and days [sic] difference,” even if punctuated correctly, would be…. 24 hours’ worth of difference?  The cliche is “as different as night and day,” which would at least make sense.  This is what happens when the Hooked on Phonics ™ generation tries to do metaphors.  My favorite fuckup along these lines is “taking ___ for granite,” but “a night and days [sic] difference” is still pretty good.  (PS we’ll be skipping the [sic] from here on out, as typing as needed would wear out my keyboard).  Also, from the team at the season opening snap, not of it.  We’re different from that team — not least because that was six weeks ago, not 24 hours ago.

The transformation has honestly been remarkable to the point where I’m astonished at how far my perception of the team has switched within these first six weeks to the point where the rest of the season has me optimistic about the long term future of the team.  — Luke Beggs, Battle Red Blog.

Use the Force, Luke — or, at least, a comma or two.

The Winner:  This entire…. thing… from Matt Weston, Battle Red Blog.  I’ll break it down into smaller sections for you, but be warned….

They are gone. They aren’t coming back. You have to learn to not think about them no matter how casually they come slithering inside your head, to not sit in the residue of memories that once occurred, to not go back and place your feet in Earth that already has your impressions.

We’re writing an elegy, I see… and no, “elegy” doesn’t mean “mishmash of absurd, mixed metaphors,” though you could be forgiven for thinking so.  “They,” I assume, are J.J. Watt and Whitney Mercilus, but Weston apparently thinks they’re snakes – snakes in leisure suits, which are the only things that can slither casually.  Who then somehow sit in residue… but not just any residue; the residue of “memories that once occurred.”  That’s some redundant residue right there, as memories “once occurred” by definition.  Nor should you stand in your own footprints, Grasshopper.

The Texans’ biggest strength, their front seven, is decimated without J.J. Watt and Whitney Mercilus. Other players have to step up. Mike Vrabel has to do a better job. But more importantly the offense is going to have to make up for the defense. 30 point games need to be the norm now. Deshaun Watson has to stay spectacular.

Technically a “front seven” can’t be “decimated,” as that’s the loss of one in ten, but forget it, he’s rolling.  The next five sentences are recognizably English, and they make clear (if trite) points, so maybe….

Bill O’Brien has to continue to be an artist and use pure self expression to soak the most out of Watson and his skill players like the light of a spring day.

….aaaand it’s gone.  Forget, for a moment, the idea of a coach using “pure self expression;” just focus on that mangled metaphor.  “Soak” means “to absorb.”  You don’t “soak out of,” you soak into.  Except that’s not right either, because only sponges soak.  He means “squeeze,” of course, which the more literate among us realize is the exact opposite of “soak.”  I honestly have no idea what “like the light of a spring day” means in this context.  Spring days are sponges?  Or they squeeze Deshaun Watson?

Kids-R-Us maybe bankrupt but those skeletons laying in the flesh of strip malls still remain.

Okay now it’s getting reeeeaallly weird.  You mean “lying;” present participle of “to lie.” “Laying” is the present participle of “to lay,” which means “to put something down.”  Either way, dude – “the flesh of strip malls?”  It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

Houston’s offense took it to Cleveland and once again proved that Watson and this offense can lit up bad defenses like a witch in a Puritan town.

Can light up bad defenses.  Verbs have these things called “tenses,” and they’re important. They used to cover this in, like, fourth grade.

Hopefully these future difficult endeavors end the same as the easier ones have with more time, practice, and development.

This is what a college professor buddy of mine calls “word salad.”  There’s an idea in there somewhere, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out what it is.

And there you have it, folks – today’s Most Perplexing Fan Statement.  The bar’s been set awfully high.

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