This Week’s Most Perplexing Texans-Related Statement



I thought I’d have to do some searching for this one.  ESPN’s Sarah Barshop is usually good for a head-scratcher or two, like this tweet:

Houston has been searching for a franchise quarterback, so regardless of what happens this season — and there’s plenty to play for — more importantly, the Texans have hope for the future with Watson under center.

But nothing really stood out… until Battle Red Blog’s Matt Weston, the Ultimate Metaphor Mangler, decided to write an AFC South wrapup today.  What Pennywise the Clown is to your children’s dreams, this piece is to the written word.  Fair warning: It’ll haunt you, especially if you passed Sixth Grade English.

Here’s the first sentence, in which the Texans not playing football is compared to the Earth’s magnetic field — the reversal of which would, apparently, adversely affect the NFL’s schedule:

Just because the Houston Texans didn’t play football last week doesn’t mean that the poles flip and football stops.

And here’s the followup:

No, it keeps spinning.

“It” being “the poles,” apparently.  Or maybe football, although why any of them would be spinning in the first place is beyond me.  (I majored in History, not astrophysics).

Here’s the third sentence, in which an anthropomorphized schedule moves Ron Jeremy-like into the future:

The NFL season thrusts forward into the invisible future.

As opposed to a visible future, I guess.  Either way, I hope the NFL season bought it dinner first.

That’s a hard act to follow, but our fearless scribe is up for the challenge.  Here are some…. highlights?  Yeah, let’s go with that.  To spare myself a carpal tunnel syndrome flareup, I won’t be typing [sic].

On the Indianapolis Colts’ shutout loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars:

When you get shoved into the locker like that, nothing tastes good.

I never got shoved in a locker — I guess I was just too cool — but I seriously doubt it impacts your taste buds.

The only reason he should play is if Indy hovered around .500 and that cyclops busted through the wall with a club, shooting lasers from that one eye.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we’ve found the writer behind The Official Ninja Webpage.  Cyclopes are mammals, too.

[The Colts} have only two pass rushers who can generate pressure on their own….The three pass rushers the Colts signed this past offseason, Margus Hunt, Jabaal Sheard, and John Simon, are all having productive years. Each one has eleven pressures or more. The sacks aren’t there, but they have been generating a pass rush.

So only two of the three pass rushers who are having productive years can generate pressure on their own?  Who is the laggard?  Or are the productive ones two different, unnamed pass rushers?  (Isn’t five quite a lot of pass rushers?  Especially if three — or however many there actually are — aren’t producing?)

Seasons like this hurt. But they become loving purple scars once things gel back together, and the team becomes good again.

Loving scars?  Do you get those from thrusting into an invisible future?

Oh, and that doesn’t even include last week’s shutout of the Colts in the soup.

Statistics are tasty.

Combining him with Malik Jackson has given the Jaguars one of the best interior pass rushes in the NFL, which in turn has given young players like Yannick Ngakoue and Dante Fowler, Jr. calm meadow strolls to the quarterback on stunts and one-on-one matchups to devour.

In his famous essay “Politics and the English Language,” George Orwell advised writers to “[n]ever use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.”  Given their well-documented love for Big Brother, it’s not surprising that a Battle Red Blogger would try to ape Orwell.  And given that it’s Battle Red Blog, it’s no surprise they fucked it up.*

[A.J. Bouye has] been sharing a bedroom with [Jalen] Ramsey

I’m starting to notice a pattern with the mangled metaphors.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

When games are close, or Jacksonville is down, wins aren’t going to happen.

Yes, when one is down in the score, one generally doesn’t win.

The exotic methmouth style is still here.

Apologies in advance for this:


Kinda sums it up, don’t it?  “Congrats” again to Matt Weston, the two-time winner of “Most Perplexing Texans-Related Statement of the Week.”



*Ten bucks says I’ll now have to go and delete fifty seven comments from BRB fanbois telling me that haha, Orwell didn’t say that the new metaphor has to make sense, so I should shut up and grow a pair.

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