[Updated as needed, as the mood strikes us]

Who are you guys?  Like everyone else you disagree with on the internet, we’re fat neckbearded loser virgins who live in our Moms’ basements.  But seriously: We’re Texans fans.  If that’s not a synonym for “pathetic loser,” we don’t know what is.

Why should we read your blog?  What, you want our resumes?  We’re some guys on the internet who watch a lot of football.  We’ve been Texans fans from the beginning.  Given that we actually watch — and like! — the team we “cover,” that puts us miles ahead of most “professional” sportswriters assigned to the Texans’ beat (looking your way, ESPN’s Sarah Barshop).

How do you get your ideas for posts?  For the serious pieces, we watch football.  For the comic pieces… well, Rick Smith is still the GM, isn’t he?  And Bill O’Brien is still the coach?  Trust us, the comedy takes care of itself.

How do you get such brilliant insights?  A special combination of peyote, rattlesnake venom, and Diet Big K® Soda.  Don’t try it at home.

Why didn’t you reply to my comment?!?  It was probably in violation of our comment policy.  If you don’t want to click that, it’s simple: No trolls.  If you feel your comment wasn’t trollish enough to deserve getting nuked from orbit, try rephrasing it in a constructive manner that contributes to a friendly discussion, then re-post it.  If it still gets nuked from orbit… well, I’d say “that should tell you something,” except you’re obviously not the kind of guy who can be told things (otherwise, you’d have had a girlfriend).  So, for you, the answer is: The Russians hacked it.

Dude ur awsome can I write for u.  No.  Ur illiterate.

Pardon me, sirs, but I quite enjoy your site.  I was wondering if you would accept an application from an aspiring scribe such as myself?  Nope.  Too pretentious.

Can I write for your site?  Sure.  When we hit the bigtime — currently scheduled for the start of OTAs, 2018 — we’ll need interns, copywriters, fact-checkers, fact-forgers, proofreaders, foot-massagers, and general-purpose gophers of all sorts.  Send us a resume and a writing sample.

Where should I send it?  Don’t get ahead of yourself, chief.