Last week, we predicted some things for the Texans-Browns game. Let’s see how we did:
Our prediction: Browns 24, Texans 21.
RESULT: Texans 33, Browns 17.
Verdict: NO. As pleasant surprises go, this is a nice one. Given our long and storied history of playing down to our competition, plus Cleveland owning our draft next year, plus losing being the Texans-y-est thing that could happen, it’s a ray of hope that we not only beat Cleveland, but took ’em to the woodshed the way a good team would.
Mike Vrabel will overcompensate for Watt’s and Mercilus’s absence by blitzing like Erwin Rommel on meth. It won’t go well. If you’ve got a Browns WR on your fantasy team, start him — he’s gonna be wiiiiiide open a few times on Sunday.
RESULT: Erwin Rommel came calling, and he had a big bag of Blue Sky. But it didn’t matter, thanks to the Osweileresque* performance of Browns QB Kevin Hogan. I for one spent the whole game thinking “they cut Brock Osweiler, but kept this guy?” He was so bad, I wonder why Rick Smith didn’t immediately offer him a $37 million contract…. oh, wait: Rick only does that to terrible quarterbacks he hasn’t seen in person.
Our prediction: “Will Fuller will drop a sure touchdown, because Will Fuller.”
RESULT: I’ve always been proud of the world-class medical care available in our hometown, but this is taking it to another level. Whoever did Fuller’s hand transplant deserves the Nobel in perpetuity.
Because CBS loves taunting Texans fans, their camera crews will keep cutting to that one shot of BOB on the sideline. You know the one, where something completely predictable just happened but he looks flabbergasted. That expression he makes is cranky, yet somehow innocent, like the expression a baby would make if it knew every single curse word in the English language, but couldn’t quite make the sounds.
RESULT: This one was a gimme – CBS hates us, and that’s BOB’s default expression whenever something doesn’t go his way. I just added it to pad my stats.
Our prediction: “At least two of the interceptions Deshaun Watson has been begging opposing defenses to catch all season will, in fact, be caught.”
RESULT: And now comes the hard part. Though only one of them ended up on the stat sheet, Watson threw at least three sure picks on Sunday, bringing his season total of “miraculously missed picks” into the neighborhood of ten…
There’s a balance to the universe, you know? Call it Justice, Karma, whatever, the fact is, every action has a reaction. Deshaun Watson has had the Devil’s own luck in getting sure picks dropped… and our defense has been bitten harder by the injury bug than any other unit in the league. We probably lost Dylan Cole for the season yesterday, and when you consider he’s an undrafted rookie who’s playing considerably better than big-bucks 2nd rounder Zach “What’s a ‘Tackle?’” Cunningham, that’s a huge blow. And now the offense is getting into the action – the Comical reports that Chris Clark “doesn’t think he has a long-term injury,” which means he’s probably gone for the year, too, because the Comical. Given that the depth chart behind him goes: “some just-off-the-couch scrub; ‘project’ rookie Julien Davenport; Breno Giacomini in drag,” that’s an even bigger blow. I can’t bring myself to start openly rooting for Watson to get picked… but Deshaun, if you’ve made some kind of pact with Satan, remember: It’s a buyer’s market.
Season record to date: 2-5-2.
*That’s another new entry for the OED: “Osweileresque.” It means “horrible in ways that even people accustomed to horror find horrifying.” “Horrible” is when Mola Ram rips your heart out; “Osweileresque” is watching it burst into flames in front of you.